Excavation

In July or August, God Willing (sorry to get religious on you, but I’m not certain it will happen until it happens) I will have a “roommate.” And although I have had roommates before, I haven’t had one in seven years and never one of this sort.

To prepare, I have been going through old things and throwing out what I need and don’t need to make room for said roommate and his belongings. However, he won’t have many belongings, so this task isn’t actually physically necessary, but more spiritually so.

Cleaning for me is like losing weight. If I plan to do it, I never will. So I take advantage of spurt of energy and motivation (which is usually just procrastination of something else I don’t want to be doing) and go through the large plastic cartons I must have bought from Target years ago.

I hate moving, and for someone my age who is not married, I haven’t moved all that much. But when I moved seven years ago I felt like a fugitive. Very quickly I had to leave a place where I was living with roommates (one who was my brother who was getting married and moving into a house with his wife) find a somewhere to live and settle in. The funny thing about this is that for at least six months prior, I knew I’d be moving, but I thought I’d be moving to Israel with my then fiancé. However, I never made a plan for the interim, which I don’t understand. I had no plan from June 1-September 1.  This makes me wonder if this is yet another sign that perhaps deep, deep down I knew I wasn’t going to be moving to Israel and I wasn’t going to be getting married.

[In honor of the last day of Passover, perhaps the Hebrews deep down knew they would be fleeing from Egypt, but still put bread in the oven just in case Pharaoh changed his mind again.]

So when I moved out of my brother’s condo in June of 2004 I didn’t clean out much of anything, just placed unnecessary remnants in plastic containers, and maintained this pattern since. I’m not a hoarder or anything, but as I sort through the big plastic boxes of documents, bills and sometimes random items, I’m forced to confront my past.

Since I started cleaning (which was embarrassingly enough last August – I know, I know, like I said, it’s not my strength) the boxes are (not surprisingly) stacked in order of years like an archaeological dig. This is accidental, because if I had an organizational prowess, I wouldn’t have the stacks in the first place.  So today I cleaned 2007. What I found (of interest):

1.  My parents’ trusts

2. All of the manuals to my kitchen appliances and car

3.       A pearl necklace. The box makes it look like it’s valuable. Who gave me a pearl necklace in 2007?  

4.       A wrist radio that I worked out with (I know that sounds like 1997, but it was in there).

5.       The medal from riding the M.S. 150.

This week In Israel, my roommate-to-be explained to me the process of construction in the country. (I knew this already, but because he is a tour educator he sometimes adds interesting facts, which he did.) Because there are so many artifacts, all construction is stopped and delayed if any antiquities are found during the process of digging. Once the site has been properly excavated and recorded, construction can continue. This makes the process of building anything in Israel long and arduous (also add in the nightmarish bureaucracy)

It makes me laugh to hear people complain about the amount of time it’s taking to open a Trader Joe’s on Clark and Diversey, just as it makes others laugh that it’s taken me 7 months to go through four years of boxes.

What can I say? I guess I’m on Ramses II's time table.  

An idea for Health Care Reform that won't piss everyone off

Health care reform in the not for profit community (NFP) is a hot button and divisive issue. However, no matter the cost, many people prioritize health insurance. Many organizations, often to their financial peril, offer health insurance to their employees. Some simply cannot due to their small size.

However, over the last decade, health care costs have skyrocketed, which have put all NFPs in a difficult decision: fund the goals of their mission or fund their employees’ health benefits. It’s a sad predicament, one that drives people out of the NFP sector or if they have benefits, keeps them at a job too long because even though they are burnt out, they can’t move to another NFP that doesn’t offer health insurance.

NFP professionals, who at least in the mid and lower levels have always been women, at some point were probably expected, with a few exceptions here and there, to use their husbands’ health
insurance plans for medical care. However, as social paradigms have changed (women aren’t married, or are marrying later) and the economy has faltered (men don’t have benefits either), the stress of health
insurance could, sorry for the bad pun, make someone sick.

Until health care reform is resolved either way, why can’t we pool every (insert state) NFP’s resources into one health insurance plan.  The premiums would then be divided among every NFP throughout Illinois based on the number of employees insured.

If this conglomeration is too large, at least allow NFPs to band together until they reach 100 employees to be able to offer affordable health care. This could allow groups from across the NFP spectrum to reduce their health insurance costs and not have to decide between educating 10 more children or insuring their employees.

Since this concept is illegal, and it shouldn’t be, perhaps that is a public policy we could all agree on. (If not, let me know why, I’m curious).

What do you think and how can we make this happen? 

What do you think of this plan for Israel?

I met with a 73 year old Israeli who is an expert in the Middle East. He was there in pre state Palestine during the Jerusalem siege; he fought in Abu Tor during the Six Day War. He was a tour guide and an outstanding person. Much of this is what he thinks this should be the final peace between Israel and the Palestinians and to keep the state of Israel a modern state.  There are some elements of this that are from other people as well. I may or may not agree with these ideas, so don't attack me personally, please. I'm just putting it out there.

What do you think?

• Pre 67 borders with a few adjustments (Maale Adumim)
• Jerusalem run by its local population with IDF security for 50 years
• All international border security controlled by IDF for 50 years.
• Settlers  financially  incentivized  to live in the North or South. All moving costs covered.
• Jerusalem home owners must either live there or have renters. Show proof of habitation at least 8 months/year.
• High Speed Train from Gaza to West Bank.
• Israeli Arabs can stay with full citizenship rights.
• Creation of Civil Marriage.
• Only 1800 yeshiva students exempt/year from army or national service.
• In order to qualify for child tax credits, incentivize Haredim to work 20 hours/week.  

Answers to your questions: what it's like to be 35 and single

Today marks seven years since I was given a new lease on life. It also coincides with one of the worst and saddest days I've ever experienced.  However, sometimes the worst personal calamities are - long term - life's biggest gifts.That's not to say that the pain from that that time didn't linger, It has at times it mutated like a antibiotic resistant bacteria, hardly recognizable from the original disease, but clearly originating from the primary sickness.If you were to ask me seven years ago, I would have told you that for sure after the breakup that I would bounce back, fall in love again, be married, and have kids by now. For a myriad of reasons, that hasn't happened. And as I approach my 35th birthday, the gulf that divides me from my married friends, those of my parent's generation widens and widens.
I asked for people's questions about "what it's like to be single and almost 35" because I do sometimes feel like a freak to my friends and to my parents' friends - a lovable, cute, funny freak, but still a freak. So I thought I'd answer some questions to bridge the divide.  I requested questions from my Facebook friends, twitter followers and Scarpetta readers. Here are their questions, and here are my answers. I don't speak for every single woman, just myself.


I have a few single friends in their 30s. In my 20s I used to set them up with single guys all the time just in the spirit of going out and meeting someone new. Now I figure if they want to be set up they'll ask. Is this the best approach.

I think one of the biggest issues with set ups is that sometimes married people set up single people based on no evidence of compatibility other than the fact that the two people are single. If you set up your friends thoughtfully, I think it's welcome whether you are 25 or 70. 


I have a question...when I was single I drank a lot more than I do now that I'm married. Do you drink as much now vs. your 20s?

I have reduced my drinking considerably over the past two years, and specifically over the past year. One is for financial reasons and two is because I found that almost every poor decision I have ever made was while inebriated. I rarely have more than 1 or 2 drinks if I go out. Not drinking also has it's negative side. It has definitely made me less "fun" and I go out less. This leads to a bit of isolation, which isn't great either. 


As a 35 year old never-been-married single mom, I find that I don't really fit in anywhere socially. I can't hang out with my old friends who don't have children because their schedules are completely different and we no longer have anything in common. Then the married with children couples I meet, tend to shy away from me. I'm still a little baffled by this rejection, but it continues to occur. I'm guessing people only want to be friends with people exactly like them, meaning 3's a crowd. What do you think?

I'm not sure why married people wouldn't want to hang out, but I know I'm guilty of not wanting to hang out with married couples with kids frequently. A very small part of it is jealousy induced depression. My friends are living the life that I thought that I would have. Part of it is that it's hard to have a conversation with someone who is only half listening to you because their focus, as it should be, is on their husband and kids. My friends who are married with kids are cognizant of this and sometimes I'll meet just my girlfriend out for dinner, or my girlfriend and her husband, and sometimes I come by their home to hang out with them and the kids. It's all about balance. As for married people who don't want to hang out with a single mom, I have no idea what to tell you. I think focusing on the mom friendships vs. the couple friendships would make more sense. 
I do wish I spent more time with my married friends who have kids. I miss them, a lot. 


To what extremes have you gone to get a date (online, speed dating, etc.)?

I've been on jdate, eharmony, match, some Jewish set up service. None of them were for me, but I think they are great and a lot of relationships come from them. I don't think any of these things are considered extreme anymore, though. My current relationship is with someone I was friends with first for a year and then we moved into something more. 


Biological clock concerns?

Yes, of course I have them, but I'm not driven by them. I would like kids, but I realize with every passing year it will become more difficult to have them naturally. I hope that I will be blessed with them, but I don't know that I will take it into my own hands (sperm donor) or adopt without a partner. I can't rule anything out at this point. 


Why don't you just write about how being a single-ish woman in your 30s has ceased to have negative cultural cachet?

I'm glad that you think it has ceased. In my (Jewish) community, though, that is not the case. It is antithetical to Judaism to not have a family when the first commandment in the Bible is to procreate. There also isn't room for celibacy like there is in the Catholic Church with nuns and priests. It's not that single women are ostracized, but we are looked at like we are suffering from a disability or disease. 

I do think in the Bourgeoisie secular world, being single and in your 30s isn't that big of a deal and is even glamorized. I don't reside their much, though. 


Maybe you can discuss how social media/fb has impacted being single. Like, how one just used to hang out with people with similar lifestyles/interests and now everyone's "friends" post annoying (well, what i can only assume is annoying to non-kids people) updates on their kids. Oh, and someone in your comment thread mentioned that the married are probably envious of the singletons. I don't think that generalization is any truer than to assume that singletons are jealous of married and/or parents.

I know that there are people who are single who have quit Facebook because they get too depressed by seeing all of their friends documenting their married lives with beautiful children etc. I also know married people who aren't or won't join Facebook because they aren't in happy marriages and/or they have difficult kids and do not have the energy to put up a facade. I also know people who are unhappily married with and without kids who post on Facebook to provide more false documentation of a happy life. 

I personally like to see my friends who are married and with kids on Facebook. It's fun to see how my friends have evolved as parents, and because I love kids, I like to see the pictures and read the cute things their friends say.  What I find most annoying from someone who is single or married is a lot of bitching about their lives. 

I agree, generalizations aren't great to make. But I would guess the adage "the grass is always greener" is probably true, at least some times. 


All I know is that there are so many women in this situation and don't want to be in it...How much of the problem is with men, in general, who don't want to commit? And, how much falls on the shoulders of women who give men too much in hopes that they will commit -- only to be let down? It's very frustrating for all my single girl friends...

There is an article that was written by Tracy McMillan titled Why You are not Married. I know it offended a lot of feminists, but I found that for myself it was pretty much dead on. I realized some of what she said before I read the article, but I wish I would have realized her points a long time ago, or at least embraced them. 

As for men, I don't pretend to understand why they will or will not commit. If I were to guess, I would say that sometimes they just don't like a woman that much or find her too clingy or annoying. (I myself have been guilty of being too clingy). But usually, I would say, that the answer to that question often has very little to do with any individual woman that they are dating and rather where they are in their own lives, baggage from their parent's marriage, or other self esteem issues.  


If anyone agrees/disagrees with anything I've said, I welcome your comments. Or if you have any more questions, I'm happy to answer them. 

The Council of *#&( I lost another phone

Enjoy a self deprecating, slightly preachy, somewhat funny? post from me in today's Oy Chicago http://www.oychicago.com/blog.
aspx?id=8982 about losing my phone, that I didn't even really want in the first place and what that has to do with The Council of Dads. 

What is it like to be almost 35 and single?

Dear friends and readers,

I have an article due, and I'd like to write about what it's really like to be unmarried and in your  mid 30s. The only problem is that it's so normal for me to be single and in my mid 30s that I don't know exactly what to write.

But I know that there are questions, and I'm ready and willing to answer them.

The people who I think have the most questions are:

1. Jewish mothers who have daughters who are in their 30s and are unmarried
2. Girls in their 20s who are scared of being in their mid 30s and unmarried
3. Married people who forgot what it's like to be single and wonder what if
4. People who are worried about their single friends in their 30s
5. Teenagers - because they are generally curious about everything
6 You?

So let's hear it. What are you questions?

Comment on this blog, email me, or tweet me @scarpetablog

And thanks for your help with the article?

During registration, I'll be dreaming of Halava

Read about my 10 favorite foods to eat in Israel.