10. Female intern applications for Late Night With David Letterman way, way down.
9. Cialis and Viagra execs fighting to sponsor Late Night With David Letterman without commercial interruption.
8. Sarah Palin’s middle finger is amputated after frostbite. She is still smiling.
7. Letterman Scholarship at Ball State awarded to C students majoring in marriage counseling.
6. Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Elliot Spitzer, etc doing shots together, charging them to World Wide Pants.
5. People under 30 now know who David Letterman is.
4. “That couch” at CBS has been thrown away.
3. Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Fallon are thinking of cheating on their wives to improve ratings.
2. Next 48 Hours episode writes itself
And the number 1 reaction to Letterman’s affairs is
1. Most frequent google search in Montana from the same IP address: “Divorce settlement”
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
A few good commercials
As part of my professional development, I have been attending seminars. The seminars are hosted by an organization that is employing SIT to train us to think innovatively.
A microscopic portion of their presentations involves showing us commercials and talking about them. I'm listing the commercials because they are funny, however I'm not going to contextualize them for you because it would be plagarism of ideas from the SIT people.
Who wants context anyways? Watch and pretend it's the Super Bowl.
Kissing
Snow on Car
Beckham
CAUTION: NUDITY Soccer
A microscopic portion of their presentations involves showing us commercials and talking about them. I'm listing the commercials because they are funny, however I'm not going to contextualize them for you because it would be plagarism of ideas from the SIT people.
Who wants context anyways? Watch and pretend it's the Super Bowl.
Kissing
Snow on Car
Beckham
CAUTION: NUDITY Soccer
Friday, July 31, 2009
Aps I would make
That is the subject of my blog for this month's Oy Chicago: http://oychicago.com/blog.aspx?id=3622
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Top 10 things the Pope shouldn’t do when he is in the Holy Land
10. Remember the good old days of the Crusades.
9. When bored during meetings, doodle pictures of the prophet Muhammed.
8. Have an on-camera lunch with Bill Maher.
7. Eat too much falafel, fries, and hummus - that stuff packs on the pounds.
6. Take water from the Jordan River as a souvenir. He should have prayed harder for rain in the winter.
5. Visit the Temple Mount.
4. Wear a button with Pope Pius the XII's picture.
3. Hang out with any Hamas leader, unless the Pope Mobile is missile proof.
2. Bring up the year 1054 while in the Armenian Quarter. Can you say AWKWARD?
1. Mess with El Al during the security interview and say he didn’t pack his own bags.
9. When bored during meetings, doodle pictures of the prophet Muhammed.
8. Have an on-camera lunch with Bill Maher.
7. Eat too much falafel, fries, and hummus - that stuff packs on the pounds.
6. Take water from the Jordan River as a souvenir. He should have prayed harder for rain in the winter.
5. Visit the Temple Mount.
4. Wear a button with Pope Pius the XII's picture.
3. Hang out with any Hamas leader, unless the Pope Mobile is missile proof.
2. Bring up the year 1054 while in the Armenian Quarter. Can you say AWKWARD?
1. Mess with El Al during the security interview and say he didn’t pack his own bags.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Why the hell are you so sad?
With one in every 10 women on anti-depressants, and 30 million Americans swallowing the pills with their Cheerios the question that begs to be asked is why are Americans so depressed? We live in the richest nation in the world. We have to do very little to get what we want in terms of food, entertainment and relationships. Most of us can live to be 100 if we don’t smoke. We can all read. We won’t be wiped out by a plague from above.
If life is so great in the 21st century, why is everyone so sad? Most of my answers will be women-centered because that is my gender bias. But guys, keep reading. You’re popping pills too.
1. The 24-hour news cycle
Everyone likes a good horror film. We like the suspense, the adrenaline of fear. However that fear is unhealthy when it is brought in to your homes, and sometimes in your cars, on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. Fox News especially, and CNN and MSNBC constantly instills fear in to the hearts of its viewers every day, several hours a day. Watch at a given moment and you will think that (insert scary cable network digitized theme music) that a Scott Peterson like fundamentalist Muslim is going to attack your pregnant friend with cancer after she eats a hamburger with Mad Cow disease.
Even the FoxNews web site makes me anxious. Here are some of the headlines:
Dangerous Obsession: Researchers brand phenomenon of tanning addiction as ‘tanorexia’
Cabbies in Crisis: Soaring gasoline prices are hurting big city taxi drivers
Now tanning is bad for you and the rise in gas prices is terrible, but tanorexia, crisis?
I’m scared are you?
2. Commuting to Work
My commute last year was 55 minutes in the morning and 115 minutes in the evening. I risked my life every day, no joke - I live in Chicago, to get to work. Take the train. I can’t. I would if I could. God bless NPR. But during the pledge drive the road rage ensues and my blood pressure rises.
"Solo commuting really grinds people down," said Darrel Drobnich, Director of Government and Transportation Affairs for the National Sleep Foundation. "People are working longer hours, experiencing greater stress in the workplace and at home, and sleeping less. When they hit the road they’re encountering more and more traffic. All of these factors plus too much time alone behind the wheel can spell trouble."
Most solo drivers say they can deal with their commutes. But Drobnich and other authorities from the transportation and psychology fields say people who drive alone usually don’t realize the effect their commutes have on them, a fact which makes them more susceptible to a wide range of hazards. (http://www.commutersregister.com/ct/articles/0001/cover.htm)
3. porn
Porn is great. It’s terrific. But like, it’s also a problem. A big problem. As young boys view porn at a younger and younger age their view of women is skewed based upon the non average woman and the fake sexual experience. Their ability to be intimate with a real person is stunted. What? Her stomach isn’t perfectly flat? What? Her legs aren’t 9 feet long? What she’s not screaming in Ecstasy every time I touch her? Men are disappointed and women are frustrated because they can never live up to the other sex’s expectation.
This can make us a very lonely society.
4. nothing’s fun anymore
alcohol= liver failure, smoking = lung cancer, sex = std, walking alone = rape, meat = heart attack and mad cow, McDonald’s=obesity and diabetes.
5. Pressure
There is so much pressure to be perfect. Skin too pale? Tan. Teeth not like pearls? Whiten them. Have a wrinkle? Have surgery to remove it. Bald? Grow back your hair. Have thighs? Suck the fat out. Boobs to small? Make them bigger. Boobs to big? Make them smaller. Going to college? Better go to a good one. ACTs too low? Take a class for $5000.
We have so much pressure to be perfect that we don’t have time to stop and just, sorry to be cheesy, love each other. To send their kids to that perfect college, both parents work and work and work and don’t get to see their children grow up. But without the love of parents, how can any child really succeed in life? That’s sad.
6. And even more pressure for women
Need to be thin. Need to get married. Need to be smart. Need to be charming. Need to cook. Need to have kids. Need to raise kids well. Need to have a great job. Need to make money. Need clothes. Need makeup. Need surgery. Need 401K. Need health insurance.
Ok, I’ve made my point. So…
Life up your bottles of Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Luvox, Welbutrin, and Effexor and let’s cheer to the post-modern world which is making us all crazy.
Let me know what you think is making everyone so sad.
If life is so great in the 21st century, why is everyone so sad? Most of my answers will be women-centered because that is my gender bias. But guys, keep reading. You’re popping pills too.
1. The 24-hour news cycle
Everyone likes a good horror film. We like the suspense, the adrenaline of fear. However that fear is unhealthy when it is brought in to your homes, and sometimes in your cars, on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. Fox News especially, and CNN and MSNBC constantly instills fear in to the hearts of its viewers every day, several hours a day. Watch at a given moment and you will think that (insert scary cable network digitized theme music) that a Scott Peterson like fundamentalist Muslim is going to attack your pregnant friend with cancer after she eats a hamburger with Mad Cow disease.
Even the FoxNews web site makes me anxious. Here are some of the headlines:
Dangerous Obsession: Researchers brand phenomenon of tanning addiction as ‘tanorexia’
Cabbies in Crisis: Soaring gasoline prices are hurting big city taxi drivers
Now tanning is bad for you and the rise in gas prices is terrible, but tanorexia, crisis?
I’m scared are you?
2. Commuting to Work
My commute last year was 55 minutes in the morning and 115 minutes in the evening. I risked my life every day, no joke - I live in Chicago, to get to work. Take the train. I can’t. I would if I could. God bless NPR. But during the pledge drive the road rage ensues and my blood pressure rises.
"Solo commuting really grinds people down," said Darrel Drobnich, Director of Government and Transportation Affairs for the National Sleep Foundation. "People are working longer hours, experiencing greater stress in the workplace and at home, and sleeping less. When they hit the road they’re encountering more and more traffic. All of these factors plus too much time alone behind the wheel can spell trouble."
Most solo drivers say they can deal with their commutes. But Drobnich and other authorities from the transportation and psychology fields say people who drive alone usually don’t realize the effect their commutes have on them, a fact which makes them more susceptible to a wide range of hazards. (http://www.commutersregister.com/ct/articles/0001/cover.htm)
3. porn
Porn is great. It’s terrific. But like, it’s also a problem. A big problem. As young boys view porn at a younger and younger age their view of women is skewed based upon the non average woman and the fake sexual experience. Their ability to be intimate with a real person is stunted. What? Her stomach isn’t perfectly flat? What? Her legs aren’t 9 feet long? What she’s not screaming in Ecstasy every time I touch her? Men are disappointed and women are frustrated because they can never live up to the other sex’s expectation.
This can make us a very lonely society.
4. nothing’s fun anymore
alcohol= liver failure, smoking = lung cancer, sex = std, walking alone = rape, meat = heart attack and mad cow, McDonald’s=obesity and diabetes.
5. Pressure
There is so much pressure to be perfect. Skin too pale? Tan. Teeth not like pearls? Whiten them. Have a wrinkle? Have surgery to remove it. Bald? Grow back your hair. Have thighs? Suck the fat out. Boobs to small? Make them bigger. Boobs to big? Make them smaller. Going to college? Better go to a good one. ACTs too low? Take a class for $5000.
We have so much pressure to be perfect that we don’t have time to stop and just, sorry to be cheesy, love each other. To send their kids to that perfect college, both parents work and work and work and don’t get to see their children grow up. But without the love of parents, how can any child really succeed in life? That’s sad.
6. And even more pressure for women
Need to be thin. Need to get married. Need to be smart. Need to be charming. Need to cook. Need to have kids. Need to raise kids well. Need to have a great job. Need to make money. Need clothes. Need makeup. Need surgery. Need 401K. Need health insurance.
Ok, I’ve made my point. So…
Life up your bottles of Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Luvox, Welbutrin, and Effexor and let’s cheer to the post-modern world which is making us all crazy.
Let me know what you think is making everyone so sad.
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