The Biggest Loser

I have lost a lot of weight. But it's not the result of hard work and exercise or determination or anything like that. Nor is it physical illness. I have just not really managed well emotionally during the pandemic and have not taken care of myself. And while food has often been my vice, I have gone the other way a bit - putting my everything into my work and my kids and just going to sleep early and not eating.
Ironically, I'm at my dream weight, my goal weight. But I've never felt worse.

 

In addition, I've always had body dysmorphia, so I can't really "see" I've lost weight except that my clothes don't fit and the scale says so. [I can imagine some people must be thinking I didn't know she has this many issues. Or ohhhh this explains it.]

 
I don't believe in telling people what to say. If you'd like to tell me I look great, then by all means, tell me. But I really shouldn't receive any kind of gold medal for this because it's come from a place of not managing my privileged place in the pandemic well, not prioritizing balance in my life, and some life long demons enjoying some airtime. There's this meme going around instagram about celebrating the people who take days off and mental health days etc. I've been contemplating that because I had surgery in January and was back to work two days later. Not because my work demanded it, but this is how I am. Is it good? Is it bad? IDK. It's me. And the truth is, I needed someone here to help Lior and me, but I couldn't demand it, and neither could he.

 
I don't write this for you to worry. I'm under medical care. My husband is incredibly supportive. I have wonderful friends in Israel and the old school South Bend people, Bedatri, Missy and Amy, Dana, Jamie always come through, as do my family But I write this to say I'm no inspiration. If you want to know how I did it? This is the answer. If you want to know why I'm still wearing my old clothes. This is why. But I'm planning on getting new ones soon.

 
I hesitated to write this because as my aunt Sharon, may she rest in peace, would have said, do you really think everyone is looking at you? People have their own problems and I can hear her added yours is getting to wear a smaller size. And she's right of course. I know this doesn't matter. But it matters to me what my nieces will hear people say. I don't want them to think that a smaller me is a better me, because frankly, I was better the last time they saw me.

 
To everyone out there who celebrates, Happy Passover. I hope you are liberated from whatever is holding you back.