Teaching consent when buying your kids that smart phone

So you’re about to buy your kid their first smartphone. In Israel, second graders have smart phones. I have opinions about the age that you do that and monitoring usage and so on, but that’s not what this is about. This is about their camera. 

And no, it’s not about using the camera to send graphic images of themselves or others. Plenty of other people have written about that. This is about using the camera as an opportunity to teach consent. The more your kids understand issues of consent the safer and more confident they will be as they are on their own in the world. 

Here was the inspiration for this post. The other day I entered my classroom and teenagers had asked one of their classmates to stand there, in the doorway to await my arrival.  Why? There has been a long-standing joke, mostly because of Zoom, that the girl and I look similarly and that day, we happened to both be wearing jeans and a purple sweater. Her classmates wanted to snap a picture of us without asking me first. Said picture would have become a funny meme, nothing viral, nothing too mean, and not a big deal honestly. However, that day I had a massive headache. I’ve been having some problems with my eyes and a chronic twitch. I was in no mood for a picture or a flash. As I saw the phones come out, I backed away. I told them: I do not give you consent to take my picture. Put your phones away. The language of consent meant something to them, and they listened. I don’t know if one was taken before I said it, which would be annoying, but that sentence and the “Ms. Marcus” tone did get their phones back in their bags. 

This isn’t the first time that this has been an issue. We had a bird stuck in one of the vents. One of the students insisted on videographing the maintenance man taking it out. It told him he had to ask. He said, “Even if he says no, I’m doing it.” I told him, you can’t video people without their consent, especially at work. What if he makes a mistake and it costs him his job? What if he doesn’t like to be on camera? What if he’s just not feeling well? The student responded to the word consent and asked the maintenance man if he minded. He said no, and the student got the footage, which was quite cool. 

In the era of Tik Tok, Youtube, Snap, publish photos with abandon, often for the pure purpose of mocking or embarrassing someone as a form of humor. Teach your kids that to take such an image/video is not part of their moral compass, and that they have the right to say to someone, anyone, no matter who it is, I do not give you consent to take my photo or video me. Empower them to own their image because after all, it is an extension of their bodies.  Repeat this message several times over the course of the year because the temptation to be funny at someone else’s expense is great and saying no to being the butt of someone else’s joke, for an adolescent, is hard - as is most everything involving issues of consent.

Postscript: The girl who kind of looks like me (she doesn’t actually) apologized, even though she wasn’t the one with the cameras. I told her I wasn’t upset with her, I just didn’t like having my photograph taken without my consent. Then the next day I heard her telling her classmates to stop saying she looked at me. She didn’t like it and didn’t want to hear it anymore. I think the fact that I asserted myself set an example for her to assert herself. 

The Biggest Loser

I have lost a lot of weight. But it's not the result of hard work and exercise or determination or anything like that. Nor is it physical illness. I have just not really managed well emotionally during the pandemic and have not taken care of myself. And while food has often been my vice, I have gone the other way a bit - putting my everything into my work and my kids and just going to sleep early and not eating.
Ironically, I'm at my dream weight, my goal weight. But I've never felt worse.

 

In addition, I've always had body dysmorphia, so I can't really "see" I've lost weight except that my clothes don't fit and the scale says so. [I can imagine some people must be thinking I didn't know she has this many issues. Or ohhhh this explains it.]

 
I don't believe in telling people what to say. If you'd like to tell me I look great, then by all means, tell me. But I really shouldn't receive any kind of gold medal for this because it's come from a place of not managing my privileged place in the pandemic well, not prioritizing balance in my life, and some life long demons enjoying some airtime. There's this meme going around instagram about celebrating the people who take days off and mental health days etc. I've been contemplating that because I had surgery in January and was back to work two days later. Not because my work demanded it, but this is how I am. Is it good? Is it bad? IDK. It's me. And the truth is, I needed someone here to help Lior and me, but I couldn't demand it, and neither could he.

 
I don't write this for you to worry. I'm under medical care. My husband is incredibly supportive. I have wonderful friends in Israel and the old school South Bend people, Bedatri, Missy and Amy, Dana, Jamie always come through, as do my family But I write this to say I'm no inspiration. If you want to know how I did it? This is the answer. If you want to know why I'm still wearing my old clothes. This is why. But I'm planning on getting new ones soon.

 
I hesitated to write this because as my aunt Sharon, may she rest in peace, would have said, do you really think everyone is looking at you? People have their own problems and I can hear her added yours is getting to wear a smaller size. And she's right of course. I know this doesn't matter. But it matters to me what my nieces will hear people say. I don't want them to think that a smaller me is a better me, because frankly, I was better the last time they saw me.

 
To everyone out there who celebrates, Happy Passover. I hope you are liberated from whatever is holding you back.