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Thursday, January 12, 2012
Married Friends! Help!
Dear married friends, if you have five minutes please answer the following question: what advice, based on your personal experience, would you give to ensure a happy marriage? Your answers will be published anonymously in an article I'm writing. I will just include your age, sex and the number of years you've been married (so include that too).
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11 comments:
If everything has to be done your way, you will quickly learn that YOU have to do everything YOURSELF. This is not a good idea. Don't do it. Be flexible.
Can I offer up: commit not to divorce. And I don't mean that in a casual way. I mean in a serious way that comes from the very center of your being, from your faith. Divorce should be an absolute untouchable. (Yes, I know there are rare exceptions, rape, murder, etc. But I think you even have to work through issues like affairs. This is one serious commitment I'm talking about.)It makes things happy, because you never really feel that divorce is ever a threat to you. No matter how crummy you are to your partner. No matter how annoying he is to you. You are loved no matter what, and mistakes have time to be corrected. It's a kind of love that supercedes all. And, let's face it, divorce usually makes things a lot less happy -- for eternity -- particularly when children are at stake. (Age: 35; Married 10 years)
Accept your mate for what they are from the beginning. It's not fair to think you are going to shape them into your "dream mate" after the marriage. Be respectful, supportive, and proud of the person you married, when you are alone together and when you are out with others. Understand there will be things you will disagree on and try to compromise or drop the subject. Listen to each other with respect and try to understand where the other person is coming from. 62 - female - 26 year DREAM marriage!
Anything worthwhile (rewarding career, raising children, and, yes, a successful marriage) requires hard work and is going to be challenging at times. But is definitely worth it if one takes the time to enjoy and appreciate it as well. Age: 35, married: 9 1/2 yrs.
Appreciate the advice from the marriage of 26 years...something to be proud of, that's for sure.
Communicate clearly and openly; let nothing be off-limits for discussion (as long as the time and place are appropriate!). Don't take it personally when your spouse is bitch: they are almost always bitching at the world, not at you. Correct the problem quietly and wait for them to simmer down. And when you are the one being the bitch, apologize as quickly as you can simmer down. Oh, and from the gemara--try to avoid doing anything that your spouse finds truly repugnant, e.g. the smell of nail polish, Shlock rock, furry animals to which s/he has a phobia. They'll appreciate you doing it only when they're not around. Age 32, married to Prince Sincere for 10 and a half years.
One thing married couples fight about more than anything: money. Make sure you and "the one" agree on how to manage money--there is plenty else to fight about! Age:35, married 10 years, female
Male, 34, married 5 years.
Easy secret: Pay someone else to do something that both of you dislike doing but need to do. Easy example: House cleaning. Neither of us really want to go anywhere near a toilet brush. For about $100/mo (less if you really want), you can have a house cleaner come and make your entire place sparkling clean.
It's a way of not letting the little things build up and annoy you, so that you can focus on the bigger, more important things. And have more tolerance for someone else's viewpoint when they don't happen to, oh, say, occasionally, agree with yours.
Also always keep in mind what C.S. Lewis said in The Screwtape Letters.
Female, 34, 4 years, together for 9. Don't just rush into getting married because your friends are. Do it when you're ready-if it's 6 months later or 5 yrs. When you have fights, so much of the reason they drag on longer than necessary is ego and pride. let your spouse IN. let them know why you're angry, or why you see it one way and they see it another way. It will make the next disagreement that much easier to resolve if you both know where you're coming from. My husband says 'I know you better than you know yourself' in terms of how I'll react to things. I feel more like a team as a result. I wouldn't have it any other way. :)
Silly inside jokes - after all, he is my best friend and we get to have sleepovers every night! Don't worry when life feels cliche (it will), you'll get through it together because that's what you promised to do. And when it's really awful, like worst time in your life awful, let your partner see how hurt you are. Let them show you exactly how much they care. If you can't be honest and vulnerable with him... who else is there? 31 year old female, married 6 years, together nearly 10 years.
Oh, and relationships are NOT a game. Anyone who writes a book about "playing the game" should be banished from writing ever again.
Not sure if it's too late.
I'm 35, married 14 years, and I'm a boy.
My advice? Your spouse is just as imperfect as you are. Fill your relationship with smiles and grace more than eye rolling and ridiculous expectations.
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