Tea Party's Kettle has finally boiled over

Scarpetta has uncovered shocking news that the Tea Party movement is not filled with sore loser Republicans who still haven’t gotten over the 2008 election. Rather it is the work again of greedy corporations trying to take advantage of a divided country by promoting their products.

A source who asked to be called “Lief” said the CFOs of Argo Tea, Tazo, Republic of Tea and Lipton will be called before Congress to testify about this unfair scheme to change Americans into tea drinkers to reap profits.

It is no secret that all of the listed companies endorsed John McCain except Celestial Seasons who donated money to the Obama campaign.

The Tea Party Movement came under suspicion when Glenn Beck wrote on his chalkboard:: Everyone needs some honey in their tea. Male bee + female bee = honey. Two male bees = no honey/Nutrasweet.

When a blogger pointed out to Beck that honey isn’t made through reproduction, Rush Limbaugh jumped to Beck’s defense saying that the “honey smear” campaign was just part of the Homosexual agenda and if gay bees start making honey, "I'm moving to Costa Rica."

Meanwhile the Tea Party movement is beginning to splinter. A fascist group called “White Tea For Me” wants to cut the black tea production and ban the sale of Wissotzky tea in the United States.

On the left are the Green Tea and Herbal Tea movements. It is unclear if they are pro environment or pro marijuana or both or too high to know for sure.

Tea Party supporters were hoping to have “tea time” every day to protest the Obama administration, but once dudes tasted tea sandwiches and scones they asked for real food because as Lief said, “That stuff tastes like crap and everyone just pretends to like it so they don’t look uncultured.”

The Tea Party movement has spread to average corporations. A blogger by the name of Beansforever is asking the ACLU for help.

“One day, I got to work, and the only Keurig single cups left were Keurig English Tea. I tore apart the office, and there was no French Roast Keurig to be found,” Beansforever wrote. “Also those weird tea ball strainer things were around the office placed on all our desks. I don’t want to strain stuff to drink it.”

However a coworker of Beansforever discredited him when he posted a picture of Beansforever’s first generation hybrid with bumper stickers of, “Al Gore is my President” and “Kerry/Edwards” still prominently stuck to his car.

Folgers is riding out the controversy. “Yeah, we’ve survived Starbucks, we will survive this, too.”

In Defense of Men

Boys, I am here to defend you.

You have been attacked in a national magazine by an MD, PHD. And although Dr. Sax is far more qualified to speak on most any matter than I am, it doesn’t make his recent article in Psychology Today entitled “Why are so many girls lesbian or bisexual?” any less sexist (against men) .

Sax’s “wonders ” if more girls are lesbians or bisexual now than ever “because that's truly who they are - or because the guys are such losers?”

Look, I know this hasn’t been a Golden Age for male behavior with Tiger Woods and Jesse James having sex with any woman with a tattoo and a cell phone camera. However, perhaps I’m naive, but I can’t believe all men are dogs, or men turn women gay because of their behavior.

Sax correlated the “Boys are Losers” theory with the rise, access and availability of porn. I agree that porn has a negative impact on boys, but it’s not making them losers who turn women on to other women.

Porn is problematic, as I’ve written about before, because it creates unrealistic expectations for everybody, including girls. The men in porn look and typically perform, um, differently than average guys. Some women enjoy sex less than female porn stars. If anyone expects their sex life to follow the script of a porn, he/she will never have a fulfilled sex life. There is some good news. Probably the music on your IPOD is better than in XXX movies.

However, I don’t think most boys are trading in girls for porn therefore causing girls to turn to each other for love and companionship. I think today it is safer for women to be lesbians or bisexual and therefore they are. There is also societal forgiveness so a woman can be with a female partner one year and a male partner the next, and no one really cares. They just want her to be happy.

My single friends and I joke, “one more bad dating experience and I’m going to switch teams.” But the thing is, we don’t switch teams. Why? Because we don’t want to. Or if someone does want to, they do. Trust me, I have a lot of single friends who are women, if they could be gay, they would be. Being gay is not something a guy can do to you no matter how repulsive a man’s behavior is. You need to be attracted to women to want to have sex with them. Many of us aren't therefore:

Boys, I don’t think you are losers. I do think your dads might need to talk to you more about acting responsibly and ethically in terms of sexuality and not to objectify women as celebrities do. However, you aren’t to blame (or some would say to thank!) for homosexuality. Now get off the computer and go on a real date. Be safe!

Women's Health Article

It's published in this week's Oy Chicago. Might make your head spin a little.

Happy Endings

I don't really believe in the adage "things happen for a reason." However, the last several days have really been fascinating in terms of their orchestration by whomever, whatever, or just by coincidence.

So last I wrote, my purse was "stolen" and Wrote some top 10 list about it to be witty and try to cope with being very upset about my trip being delayed and losing so much money, although my parents generously offered to help me recoup it.

After posting I decided not to mope. I went on a long walk in the 30 degree weather. I called one of my best friend's, Amy, who I never talk to because when I'm out of work is her busiest time with her kids. We talked for about 30 minutes about our lives and did some nice catching up. I also talked to my friend Suzanne and saw her son Gabriel. When I came home I called the contractors who redid my kitchen and asked them to come over to see my place and maybe will finally move forward with some much needed work on my condo. That night I went to my brother and sister in law's and hung out with my nieces and just enjoyed being with them immensely and felt exponentially better after I walked in and Ava gave me a huge hug.

Saturday I went to the gym, had a great work out with Chris, then the manager at Bally's gave me a new card, told me he'd pray for me given what happened to my purse, and I saw my old trainer Bart and gave him a big hug. (I miss you so much!)

Afterwards I talked on the phone to another one of my oldest friends, Jeff, and had probably the first serious conversation we've ever had in our 30 year friendship. We spoke about how you can find value and truth in so many belief and scientific systems: medicine, psychology, homeopathy, and then we questioned whether there is value, given all of the fighting, hate, pedophilia and battles in religion.

We agreed that in religion there are truths and there are values that can, at times, be good. I'll get back to that later.

Saturday night I went out on a date. I won't say more about that, but sometimes I am too busy/too discouraged to date, and I went and it was good/maybe I'll never see him again. Don't ask me about it, please.

Sunday I went to Florida. I was welcomed with open arms by Melody, Dalia and her friend. We had a nice afternoon and evening. The next day was also great, although rainy, and I got in touch with another old friend Lisa, and chatted for a while, although we didn't end up seeing each other in Miami. Sunday night, Melody and I met a couple of nice guys from Spain who we hung out with and I spoke broken Spanish to.

And then Monday I got the call.

A woman in Bartlett, IL found my purse. The phone call was shocking because my purse had disappeared on Friday. I didn't ask her how she found it or why she waited four days to call me. I called my parents and brother to let them know and then I posted on Facebook about it. I wasn't sure how I was going to get out to Bartlett, IL, and was a little wary of going to some one's place, when my friend Heather, who I met sophomore year at IU and reconnected with several years later in Chicago, said she worked in Bartlett and would pick up the purse for me in the mobile home park where the woman lived.

On my way home from the airport, sunburned, I picked up my purse from Heather (Heather gave the woman $100 at my request) and was reunited with the money, the purse and my driver's license. (The credit cards were there too, but I had already cancelled them).

The woman gave Heather a card to give me. It had a picture of an angel and a quote on the back of the card by Billy Graham (!!!) that said, "Look up, take courage, the angels are nearer than you think." Inside she wrote me a note that said:

I found your purse at the airport - I pray you didn't have a delay because of it - I am returning it to you because the Lord says "Do unto others as you would want them to do to you." I love my Lord and hope you can trust in him also - He is faithful-

Best wishes from a friend.

Thank you to this friend and to the many others and my family who get me through each and every day. And whatever you believe or don't believe, it's nice to know how much good there really is out there.

Happy Passover, Easter and Spring to all of my Scarpeta readers.

Top 10 Reasons Why It’s Good My Purse Was Stolen From O’hare Today and I lost $400 and can’t go to Miami until Sunday Morning

10. Too much sun is bad for your skin and I burn easily.
9. I probably would have gone out tonight and tomorrow night, therefore my liver will be in better shape.
8. The road to the airport is so nice that I get to see it more.
7. I got to file my first police report.
6. I confirmed my policy never to carry cash.
5. 30 degrees is the new 80 degrees.
4. I can now just bring a carry on bag.
3. Maybe I'll hang out with Ava and Lila.
2. I had to renew my license in June anyways.
1. That purse was so last season.

Thank you to the lady from United who sat on the phone with me for about an hour and rebooked me for Sunday morning. Thank you to Melody for being friends with me and listening to me sob. Thank you to my brother and sister in law for loaning me $80 and listening to me sob. Thanks to Marisa for handing me the $80. Thanks to Ravit and Gabe for sharing a cab with me this morning and to Gabe for getting Lady Gaga in my head. Thanks to the cab driver for listening to BBC News so I heard about organic farming in Gaza. Thanks to the Chicago Police at O’hare for being nice. Thanks to Visa and Citibank for cancelling my stuff. Thanks to the thief for not using my Visa.

Off to get cash and a new driver’s license. Hope you too have a good day!

Wrigley to host concerts on Yom Kipur; I'm already hungry

According to media reports, this September, Wrigley Field will host two concerts: one will begin on the eve of Yom Kipur and one after sundown (when the holiday is over). They are the only two planned concerts of the season.

About a mile east of Wrigley Field sits two of the biggest synagogues in Chicago: Temple Sholom and Anshe Emet Synagogue. Slightly farther south is the smaller, but vibrant Anshe Shalom. The main concern with the concerts has been over parking, with the Cubs offering to open some lots for the synagogue goers who drive on the holiday.

However, no one from the City cares that I can’t go to the damn concert or that it will distract from my spiritual cleansing. Just kidding. I don’t really care. If I did, I’d live in Israel.

Because although you won’t be able to hear the concert from Temple Sholom or Anshe Shalom, Anshe Emet, where I attend services, is a different story. It will be weird going from Kol Nidre to walking home on Broadway to hear “Eat, Drink and be Merry, for tomorrow we die.”*

Dave! We can’t eat, drink or be merry. Way to rub it in. Maybe he can change the song to, “Fast, pray and atone, or this year you will die.” Not as catchy, but Jewish holidays rarely are.

The artists that might be playing include Phish, Dave Matthews Band, and Paul McCartney.

Although Phish should not play on Yom Kipur (the night of the 17th). Mike Gordon(bass) and Jon Fishman (drums) better be in synagogue. What would be cool is if they sang Kol Nidre at one of the synagogues and performed their show the next night.

The show could start with Havdallah and the blowing of the Shofar.

*Coworker Gabe Axler helped with this joke

Too Much? Not Enough?

This is an Israel Advocacy Campaign. Watch it and comment on what you think.

What do you think?

Here's an article about it, and another one.